Grief is a lifelong process. I truly feel as though you grieve people forever. My biggest issue was learning to live without my grandmother. I had known her for 28 years of my life, so it was very difficult to communicate what I needed at the height of my grief. When my grandmother first died, I pushed everyone away. I felt like most people in my life did not show up correctly. I felt like the people that did show up correctly were grieving too, so who could I count on?
On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, I kept apple Airpods in my ear the entire day. I wanted to be there, but also able to disconnect when I felt the need to cry uncontrollably. It was a small, quick funeral because it was during covid. There was a viewing of the body and then a graveyard service. Her friends, family, and coworkers talked of the good times they had and told us they sent their love.
For months I could not remember her funeral. I did not know that I was affected that much by the event honestly. I zoned in and out, but overall I thought the event went by smoothly. It was so terrible that I could not remember what I wore to her funeral. I could not remember how I felt. I had nothing for months.
When the memories finally flowed back in, I was a mess. A masked mess. I leaned into the person that I knew cared a lot about me. I asked her to be my girlfriend, and the relationship barely lasted a year. Once the anniversary of my grandmother’s death came around, it felt like I was at the funeral again. I could not take it. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I wanted someone.
I soon started to read many books since I was forced to deal with this problem. I learned that time does not make anything easier. I learned to take a day off sometimes and cry. That is okay! I have gained the right words to effectively communicate my needs to my partner and friends. Sometimes I want to vent and then receive a hug. From my partner, I simply want to be held tightly.
The hardest part about death, for me, is that life goes on. My world is at a halt, but life goes on around me. I can enjoy the present, embrace the future, and mourn the past all in a day. That’s okay!
